A Sex Guide For Men and Women
We deal with common sexual problems and issues, which you can read about by clicking on the links below.
Individuals differ from one another so much in their responses to stimulation, and from occasion to occasion in themselves, and possess such a diversity of sensitive zones and such a wide range of reactions to various techniques of stimulation that no fixed rules of how to arouse your partner could ever be devised.
If you get no response or no worthwhile response from a suggested area or a suggested technique, please do not be disappointed or think there is something lacking in your sexual make-up.
On the other hand, once an area has been made to respond it will usually so respond each time it is stimulated.
One of the most neglected areas of sensitivity in both men and women is the perineum, the ridge between the scrotum and the anus in the man, and the vagina and anus in the woman.
In the man, the muscles surrounding the base of the penis, which contract during orgasm, are quite close to the surface in the perineum, and when the man is ejaculating, these muscles can be seen moving.
Since they can be seen moving they can be felt, and pressure anywhere in the perineum, but particularly high up behind the scrotum, in the form of fairly heavy upward strokes in rhythm with the contractions, as he is ejaculating, can add much to a man's sexual pleasure.
In foreplay the perineum of both is a very rewarding area to light caresses either of the finger or tongue. This is because it is richly supplied with nerves which are connected both with the sexual nervous system and the nerves of the anus.
(The muscles surrounding the base of the penis also have a connection with the sphincter muscles of the anus, with the result that when the man comes off, the anus muscles contract in rhythm with the other contracting muscles. The woman may also experience similar anal contractions, and the nerves of the woman's anus have a connection with her sexual nervous system, in the same way that the man's have.)
Aspects Of Male Orgasm and Ejaculation
To ensure sex is as good as it can be, start by having enough foreplay to fully arouse you both, which means foreplay with a lot of bodily sensuality; next, choose the right sex position - the one that arouses you most; and then, engage fully with your partner - look into her eyes, feel her sexual energy, and connect at the level of your base Chakra and heart Chakra.
This way, you synchronize your lovemaking on a spiritual, physical and emotional level. If you're experiencing any sexual problems, get some help - www.male-sexual-dysfunction.com is a great website, for example.
Another fantastic resource for men who tend to ejaculate too quickly is this review of Ejaculation by Command which offers you immediate techniques to control ejaculation right now and long term techniques which will allow you to develop control over the longer term, giving you both short term and long term relief from premature ejaculation.
Let me make it clear - I think men who do not take responsibility for their ejaculatory control are seriously letting their sexual partners down. Women play many roles in sex and in particular they initiate relationships by signaling to men that they are interested in dating or courting, as we would once have said.
It's every man's job to ensure his sexual partner is satisfied - and to know the techniques which will enable that to happen. It isn't just about ejaculation control, either - it's about knowing how to bring a woman to orgasm.
The woman is just as responsive in the perineum as the man can be. Usually she prefers light strokes.
A technique for the man which can rapidly produce excitement in the woman is a slow stroke with the tongue beginning at the anus, passing up the perineum, pausing at the vaginal entrance to give it a few strokes with the whole tongue or inserting the tongue rapidly half-a-dozen times, then passing it up the vaginal ridge to the clitoris, and after a slight pause there, returning the way it came in the same manner.
If the woman spreads her vaginal lips apart with her fingers, the man can use his hands simultaneously to stimulate both erect nipples with fingers and thumbs.
The best way for carrying out this maneuver is to have the woman lying across the bed, with her buttocks on the edge of the bed, supported by a fairly high cushion or cushions, her legs drawn up so that the soles of her feet rest on the bed, her knees spread to the maximum to reveal the area to be stimulated.
The man kneels on the floor and lowers his head to the area, reaches up his hands to the partner's breasts, either passing his arms between her spread legs, or placing them under the crook of the legs, round the outside of the hips and coming to her breasts that way.
The man will respond happily to a similar technique applied by his partner. If he is uncircumcised, she will first pull his foreskin right back.
Beginning at his anus, she will run her tongue slowly and lightly up his perineum, across the scrotum up the length of the penile shaft, pause at the glans to apply rapid massage-movements to the frenulum and tip, and then return the same way.
This can be done with the man in a posture similar to that described for the woman just now but this does rather put him out of reach of any of her sensitive areas, so that he cannot stimulate her at the same time.
An alternative position is for the man to lie lengthways on the bed with his knees drawn up, and his buttocks raised quite high by a pillow or two.
The woman crouches over him with with her face towards his feet, and he is then able to reach her breasts, which, because they are hanging down he can caress in a number of ways, and if she adjusts herself carefully, he can reach her sexual area with his mouth and tongue. (Read about oral pleasuring here.)
This position has one disadvantage for the woman; in order to reach her partner's anus, she must put her head quite low, and this may be low enough to cause the blood to run to the head, so that after a short time she will have to sit up.
The end of the man's perineum farthest from the anus, right up high under the scrotum, is particularly sensitive. The most effective caress here is with a finger-tip, which is applied with light pressure and moved backwards and forwards very quickly.
This is most successful if the man stands, facing his partner, who sits or crouches in front of him, so that she can combine the finger movements either with caresses of the penis with the other hand, or with the mouth or tongue caresses of the frenulum and glans penis during sex.
Enjoying great sex
During washing, the anus should receive special attention; if the partner can be absolutely certain that the anus he or she is to caress with fingers or tongue is quite clean, there will be no hesitation in applying caresses to it.
The sensitivity of the anus differs considerably from individual to individual; nevertheless, all men and women are sensitive there to some degree and receive a positive response from it under caress.
The chief thing to discover is the amount of pressure which is required to be put into the caress, for an anus absolutely unresponsive to heavy pressure can be quite responsive to light pressure.
Even then the degrees of light pressure should be precisely determined by experimentation. Simultaneous anus-stimulation with the finger or with the tongue can be rewarding.
For the first, the position described for the alternative method of the woman caressing the man's perineum can be used, though the man will have to adjust the upper part of his body in order to reach the partner's anus. This is not really successful unless the man or the woman has a very supple spine.
A better sex position is with both partners standing and facing one another with legs apart so that the buttocks are easier to part. The partners then reach round behind the other, with one hand parting the buttocks and with a finger of the other caressing the anus.
This can be combined with another mutual caress; the partners' fronts touch one another so that the erect penis is pushed up against the man's belly, the vaginal-lips are parted and the vaginal ridge and clitoris are pressed against the penis.
Side-to-side rolling movements of the pelvic area by the woman will stimulate both clitoris and penis, but because it is from side-to-side the penis will not be affected greatly in its progress towards orgasm.
Washing each other before sex can be a stimulating beginning to foreplay. A number of couples combine this with a ritual of undressing one another. Undressing a woman, or seeing her undress - either with personal involvement or without it - is sexually arousing for a large number of men.
And there is just as large a number of men who, while quite unmoved by complete feminine nudity, leap to erection if they see a woman dressed in delicate lingerie.
Even certain colors come into play here. If a man is sexually aroused in this way, he should not be afraid to let his partner know; he will be willing to count on her most willing co-operation, and it will give him an opportunity to show his appreciation by buying her the pretty garments which stimulate him, from time to time.
We believe most men react erotically to pictures of nude women, while very few women react in the same way to pictures of nude men. But this is not really true: women are easily physically aroused if they see some kinds of pornography - they just do not report the sensations because they are not emotionally aroused.
However, seeing her partner standing with an erection, or (preferably) walking about the room naked with an erection, can provide a woman with the strongest sexual stimulation outside direct stimulation of her major sensitive zones.
Sight is sexually stimulating. That is why sex should be done in daylight or with the lights on! Most men or women are aroused by seeing the part of their partner's body they are stimulating. Similarly, one partner's facial response to mounting sexual excitement can be very exciting to the other partner.
And most couples would greatly benefit in terms of sexual arousal if they made love in front of a mirror from time to time; the great majority of men, who, in any case, are reliant upon sight for much of their sexual arousal, and large numbers of women, would find the sight of the thrusting action of the buttocks, or of the penis going in and out of the vagina, particularly stimulating.
Thinking of other ways to obtain such stimulation can bring new qualities to sex, even for experienced couples.
Oral Pleasuring For Men and Women
Both tongue and lips are almost unmatched as ways to stimulate your partner.
The "deep" or French kiss, in which the partners explore each other's mouth with their tongues; the rapid licking of the nipple with the tongue; exploration of the navel with the tip of the tongue; sucking or licking of the clitoris with lips and tongue; all draw forth much more intense responses than when these same maneuvers are performed with the finger.
This does not apply of course, to the deep kiss (the so-called "French kiss"), but the tongue does transform the interior of the mouth into a sensitive zone.
The tongue is a much more sexually arousing agent than the mouth, chiefly because the roughness of the tongue's surface is a superior arousal factor, when compared with the smoothness of the lips.
All the sensitive zones are far more responsive to the tongue than they are to the fingers, however skillfully the latter may be used. Have you ever tried what is sometimes referred to as a "tongue bath"?
Run the tip of the tongue over the whole surface of the body, weaving about in intricate arabesques so that the partner does not know which spot is going to be touched by it next.
Turn the partner over onto his/her front and, beginning with the nape of the neck, run the tongue very lightly down the full length of the spine, between the crease of the buttocks to the anus and back. Two or three repetitions of this without pause produces almost intolerable arousal.
The sensations produced if the penis is stimulated by the partner are second only to those produced by the interior of the vagina, and equal if she uses her tongue. There are many variations of technique which may be used singly or in combination.
Very little improvement, however, can be made on the sequence suggested by Vatsyayana in his Kama Sutra.
The woman lies on her side beside her man, but farther down the bed so that her head is level with his pelvic region. She takes his penis in one hand, lifts it vertically to his body, and caresses the head, rim and frenulum lightly with fairly rapid kisses.
After a short time of this, she puts the head into her mouth, taking care to roll her lips round her teeth - so that her mouth looks as though she had no teeth - and applying a certain amount of suction, draws her mouth up over the head, repeating this several times with a slow rhythm.
She follows this by placing her lips loosely over the head, so that half of it is in the mouth, and then blows. After some seconds of blowing, she takes half the head firmly between the lips, and pulls upwards, repeating the caress half a dozen times, or so.
Next she strokes the head of the penis and frenulum with rapid movements of the tongue, eventually taking the head fully into her mouth and sucking strongly while she moves her clasped hand up and down his penile shaft.
These attentions can have a devastating effect on a man, and he will have to have massive control over his progress to orgasm if he does not have to beg her to stop for a few moments' respite now and again.
The build-up of sexual arousal is extraordinary. Some men's hearts beat more rapidly than when they are reaching orgasm by vaginal thrusting, and others gasp so much that they are unable to speak.
There are a number of single techniques which are not so sexually arousing in their effect, but which, nevertheless, produce out-of-the-ordinary sensations. One of these is performed by running the tip of the tongue backwards and forwards under the rim of the penis while it is held in a vertical position.
Another consists of holding the head of the penis really firmly in one hand, and moving the mouth up and down the length of the shaft in a series of tiny nips with the teeth.
This must be done with the maximum of care, for if the teeth-nips are too strong they will cause pain - besides piercing the skin - and destroy all sexual sensation, and leave an aftermath of soreness. But if they are carried out at just the right strength, they can be very effective.
Vatsyayana gives no comparable sequence for a man to apply oral caresses to his partner. One sequence ranges from running the tongue in slow strokes over the length of the vulval ridge, to taking the outer labia, one at a time, between the lips of the mouth and kneading them with a rolling motion of the mouth.
But far and away the most stimulating are those in which the head of the clitoris is either stroked with the tip of the tongue, or sucked with a firm inward-drawing pressure into the mouth with the lips.
Oral caresses of the breasts can also be varied from straightforward sucking, to quick flicks with the tip of the tongue. In sucking, if the man opens his mouth wide and places it over the nipple and then plays upon the nipple with quick flicks of the tongue he will be certain of drawing a good response from his partner, which will not be dissimilar from the effect of rolling the nipple round and round with the lips drawn protectively over the teeth.
If the partner's nipples are fairly long, another rewarding caress is made by placing a finger on one side of it to steady it, and licking, from base to tip with the tip of the tongue in fairly slow motion. Men's nipples - in those in whom this is a sensitive area - respond well to the same kind of caresses.
Perhaps one of the most effective is a series of light bites of the nipple of the kind just described in connection with the penis.
Many men and women gasp, involuntarily moan, cry out and make other noises as their sexual tension mounts, until they reach orgasm accompanied by loud cries.
Others, however, are naturally silent except for heavy breathing. Since sexual sounds - like sexual sights - are naturally arousing, silent couples should introduce them into their lovemaking and see how an uninhibited cry or moan as the climax of orgasm approaches breaks the tension that has been building up, giving much more intense orgasm-sensations than they would otherwise be.
As sexual excitement builds up the muscular tension reaches its climax at the breaking of the orgasm, and it is broken down considerably by letting out a cry or a loud moan. Indeed, orgasm sensations can be almost doubled in intensity if they are accompanied by a loud cry.
If a couple are inhibited from making sounds, they should try relaxing. Both should take part, for the woman is helped as much as the man. The aim is to let all the limbs go as loose and as slack as possible at the moment of orgasm.
It is well worth persevering with this sexual technique, because it can have a marked effect on the intensity of orgasm. One word of warning, don't attempt it in the man on top sex position, because the man cannot relax without collapsing with all his weight on his partner.
Two positions, however, are good for it - one, the man on his back with the partner kneeling astride him - he can let go completely and if she lets her body, shoulders and arms sag downwards, she can relax the greater part of her body; two, the man sitting on a chair with his partner astride and facing, but for safety's sake they should clasp one another loosely but securely.
From the woman's point of view the best position is the one in which the man lies on his back across the bed, with his buttocks and thighs off the bed, but supported by a stool of the right height; the woman straddles him, and having put his penis into her, sits down on his pelvic area. If she slumps forward loosely as she comes she can relax the whole of her body, for her balance is maintained by her feet being planted firmly on the floor.
Couples tend to overlook the penis as a sexually stimulating tool, except inside the vagina. But it can be used to stimulate other sensitive zones e.g. by rubbing the partner's nipples with it and using it to provide direct stimulation to the clitoris and vulval opening.
It can also be used to stimulate the partner's perineum and anus. But its most effective use in this role is in conjunction with the rim of the vaginal entrance.
This is, if given the proper attention, the second most sensitive zone after the clitoris in the majority of women.
Quite as much as the perineum, it has been neglected as a sensitive zone and while, from a purely positional point of view, one can understand the perineum being overlooked, unless discovered more or less by accident, it is difficult to understand how it is that the potential of the vaginal entrance has been missed by so many.
From evidence it would seem that most of those who have discovered it are oral lovers. The entrance of the vagina is, in fact, a ring of muscle, known as the constrictor cunni, which, like the ejaculation-producing muscles in the area of the penis-bulb, has a connection with the muscles controlling the anal opening.
The covering of the muscle is also extremely well-provided with nerves, which, in their turn, are connected with the woman's orgasm-producing nerves. This mass of nerves makes the whole of the vaginal-entrance ring very responsive to stimulation and sexual caresses.
Both the man's and the woman's general muscular system contains two kinds of muscles, called voluntary and involuntary.
The voluntary muscles are those which can be brought into play at will. The involuntary muscles are those which their owner cannot force into activity, nor stop their activity once it has started.
Among the involuntary muscles which have a sexual significance are those directly concerned in orgasm. In the man they are the muscles in the area of the prostate and seminal vesicles which cause them to contract to force the seminal fluid into the urethra, and the muscles in the penis-bulb area which forces the semen up and out of the penis.
In the woman they are the muscles in the womb area, those surrounding the orgasm-platform of the vagina, and the muscles in the vaginal-entrance rim. After the point-of-no-return has been reached until the end of the orgasm neither the man nor the woman has any control over these sets of involuntary muscles, which continue their contractions until they stop of their own accord.
However, as well as being involuntary muscles during the orgasm experience, the man's muscles in the penis-bulb area and the woman's in her vaginal-entrance rim can become voluntary muscles outside the orgasm experience with a little training.
Strengthening The Sex Muscles
If, during masturbation, the hand is removed from the penis as soon as the orgasm contractions begin, it will be seen that with each contraction the penis is jerked upwards, falls back, jerks upwards, falls back and so on.
Exactly the same effect can be obtained if the man trains the muscle to contract and relax at will. The penis can be made to jerk in this way only when it is erect, of course, but the muscles themselves can be trained while the penis is limp.
The man tries to lift his testicles up to his body without touching them in any way. The testicles are not lifted, of course, but that is what it feels like.
The muscles of the anus invariably contract when he tries to do this, and the effect is communicated to the penis-bulb muscles, which contract in sympathy.
Initially the man may not feel he is having any success at all, but doing this a dozen times during a day, after two or three days he will begin to feel a response. (He can do it while driving, or sitting in the train, or at his desk, or waiting at a bus-stop, or while watching TV, since no one can see or sense what he is trying to do.)
Once response is established, it will increase quite rapidly, and at the end of a fortnight the muscles will respond vigorously and lift the erect penis upwards through an arc of at least half an inch.
Think of this sexual technique as something once achieved, to be kept, with no falling off in performance allowed! Contract your muscles three or four times a day, at a regular time, perhaps while shaving.
The exercise makes the muscles stronger, and many men say that after they have acquired the ability, the involuntary contractions at ejaculation are more pronounced than they were before and that they seem to have more powerful orgasms.
The involuntary contractions of the muscles in a large number of women are so slight that the man is not conscious of them as the woman reaches orgasm, though she can feel them and gets a lot of pleasure from them.
Now, in exactly the same way that a man can control his penis-bulb muscles (outside orgasm) so the woman can control her vaginal-rim muscles so that she can contract them at will. She, too, begins their training by contracting her anal muscles. She, too, may be a little impatient of the slow progress she makes, but will eventually find it worthwhile to persevere.
The vaginal-rim muscles as a result of the training become much stronger so that the man is able to feel the involuntary contractions during her orgasm, and both will have an increased intensity of orgasm. The website describes many ways to help a man get over the inability to ejaculate and improve the quality of sexual intercourse for both him and his partner.
But the woman who does acquire this control is, thereafter, armed with two exceptional sexual techniques; like the man she has an additional stimulation technique, for if she contracts the muscles while the penis is in the vagina, she can have an almost devastating effect on her partner's sensations - in fact, many men can be brought to orgasm by these contractions.
The way to do it is this: put the penis into the vagina, lie still, and the partner does the rest with her vaginal-rim muscles. Secondly, she is able to grip the penis in the vagina with the muscles.
One of the commonest of male complaints is that after a woman has had children, his partner has a loose vagina. This complaint of the men is to a very large extent based on an illusion.
The penis cannot enter the vagina without making contact with the vagina walls to some degree either along the whole length of the ceiling and one of the walls, or along the whole length of the floor and one of the walls.
In the woman who has not borne children the rim is invariably so tight that it does touch the penis all round, and it is this that leads men to believe that the penis is tightly clasped by the whole vaginal barrel. In women who have borne children, the rim, like the rest of the barrel, is more distended, with the result that the sensation of the penis being held by it all round, disappears.
The woman who takes the trouble to train her vaginal-rim muscles can, by practice, so close the rim that grips the penis, and her partner will never complain of vaginal slackness.
But to return to the vaginal opening as a sexually sensitive zone. It responds enthusiastically to caresses with the tongue, and to a lesser extent, to light circular rubbing motions of a finger. Its greatest response, however is achieved when the penis is used as a stimulating agent.
The technique is carried out in this way.
The most satisfactory positions are either face-to-face-man-above, or one of the rear-entry positions. Whichever is selected the man's technique is the same; he places the head of his penis only in the opening of the vagina and moves it slowly in and out so that only the first inch or two of the vagina is stimulated.
If the woman contracts her muscles in a rhythmic pattern that closes the vaginal opening as the head of the penis begins to move forward and relaxes it as it begins to move back, she adds greatly to the sensations she gets during sex.
However, this technique requires a very high degree of control in the man, for he is using that part of his penis most densely packed with his orgasm-producing nerves.
His own sensation response, therefore, is terrific. But the really advanced lover, who has acquired almost absolute control over his progress towards orgasm - in other words, one who has understood the causes of premature ejaculation and knows how to last longer in bed - can have at his command a really top-grade sexual stimulation technique.
It is the technique which most successfully produces multiple-orgasm in the woman, for example. Since it is so sexually arousing to both it can allow a variation to be introduced into the couples' usual sexual patterns; instead of beginning with foreplay which is based on all kinds of stimulating caresses of the erogenous zones, the partners can enjoy sex as soon as, say, the woman's clitoris has become erect, and use penile stimulation of the vaginal-entrance as foreplay.
This foreplay can be combined with another stimulation technique. There are very few women indeed who do not find it highly exciting indeed to have the penis jerked inside their vagina.
The stronger the jerk, the greater the arousal-sensation. Jerking the penis, however, is a very effective "calmer-down" of the man's arousal, so used in combination with penis head stimulation of the vaginal rim it can help considerably in the man's efforts to slow his progress towards orgasm.
While speaking of control of progress towards orgasm, much the greater part of premature ejaculation control is acquired by psychological means; men can tell themselves that they are nothing like ready to come yet.
Such psychological aids, and others which individual men discover for themselves, are made all the more effective when combined with physical aids.
No man needs me to tell him that after some experience of regular sexual intercourse he learns to recognize when his sensations have mounted to a point very near orgasm.
When he has reached this point, he should tell his partner to stop all sexual stimulation of him, and if, at that point, he is sexually aroused by what he is doing to his partner, he should switch to a caress which is not so arousing for him but which maintains his partner's level of arousal.
One quite effective physical aid to controlling ejaculation is this: if the penis is lightly held and pushed downwards so that the head is pointing towards the feet, instead of upwards towards the belly, until it is hurting slightly, the pain at least makes the sensations recede, if it does not kill them altogether.
If the partner does this she must be careful not to depress the penis so far that it causes too much pain, which could produce prolonged discomfort after the penis has been allowed to return to its normal erect posture, and so spoil the sex for the man.
The man is able to do this for himself if a couple are making love in the face-to-face-man-above sex position, by pulling his body higher along his partner's body, so that the angle of his penis with his body is increased. He must push the penis deeply into the vagina, and as the head of the penis will be pressed against the floor of the vagina at the back of the vaginal barrel, the partner will experience new sensations of arousal.
(He must, however, while taking care not to cause himself discomfort be mindful of his partner's comfort too, because if the penis presses too deeply into the floor of the vagina pleasure will give way to vaginal pain on intercourse.) These new sensations of arousal will be increased by the simultaneous pressure of the top of the base of the penis on the clitoris.
It's a fallacy that when the penis is put into the vagina as far as it will go, the top of the base of it rubs against the clitoris as it moves in and out, stimulates the clitoris and gives the woman an orgasm. In the vast majority of cases the penis and clitoris make no direct contact at all; in fact, penis-clitoris-contact is only possible (a) if the clitoris is abnormally long, and (b) if it is situated very close to the vaginal entrance.
However, the action of putting the penis deep into the vagina automatically spreads both the labia wide apart completely exposing the vulva ridge and clitoral area.
In view of this, the following technique of clitoral stimulation after penetration may be helpful: the man should press his pubic area against his partner's pubic area, which will bring his pubic bone directly on to the general clitoral area exposed by the spreading of the labia.
This will automatically plunge the penis as far into the vagina as it will go. Having established this contact, and maintaining it, he rubs his pubic area from side to side or in a circular motion, and by doing so he stimulates the general clitoral area, as a great many women do when masturbating, and so brings her to orgasm during intercourse.
If she moves her pubic area in a similar motion but counter to his, the sexually stimulating effect is increased.
Besides being sexually stimulating to the woman, this sexual position has a great advantage for the man. As he cannot move his penis in the vagina while maintaining his pubic contact with the clitoral area, the movements have no stimulating effect on him.
He can bring the woman off without arousing himself more at all. It is, therefore, a very useful technique for providing the partner with multiple-orgasms.
You may find the technique a bit tiring at first, because you will probably make firmer contact than is really necessary, but with practice it can be maintained long enough to bring a woman to orgasm at least three times.
Also, because the penis does not move in the vagina, it is a useful technique for bringing the woman off when the man has inadvertently reached orgasm and ejaculated before her.
When women masturbate, they rarely stimulate the head of the clitoris, but rather the shaft, which lies under the skin.
Presumably women would not use this technique if it were not the one that brought them to orgasm most satisfyingly. This is useful for men to remember when stimulating their partners' clitorises.
And because there is a very fine line between stimulating the head of the clitoris directly with a finger to produce arousal and causing discomforting irritation, we should not stimulate the head of the clitoris with anything but the tip of the tongue.