A Sex Guide For Men and Women

We deal with common sexual problems and issues, which you can read about by clicking on the links below.

[ Other Aspects of Arousal, Orgasm and Ejaculation In Men ] [ Sexual Arousal In Women ] [ Sexual Arousal and Orgasm In Women ] [ Sexual Arousal In Men ] [ Sexual Arousal, Orgasm and Ejaculation In Men ] [ Erection Problems ] [ Orgasm During Sex For Women / Sexual Boredom / Infidelity ] [ Masturbation and Its Problems ] [ Overcome Premature Ejaculation ] [ Oral Sex and Its Problems ] [ Advanced Sexual Techniques ] [ Advice For Men ] [ More Advice For Men ] [ Sexual Muscles, Fitness Of The Pelvic Floor Muscles ] [ Sexual Fitness ] [ Development of sexual behavior in men ] [ Development of sexual behavior in men (2) ]

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Oral Sex And Its Related Problems

An email: "I have a problem, and I wonder it you can help me. We have been married seven months. During the year we were engaged we made love two or three times a week, but never during that time did my man, as he now is, play with my clitoris with his tongue, which is what he has started to do recently. I find it very stimulating. But now he wants me to suck his penis, and I just can't bring myself to do it. You see, as soon as his penis becomes erect he starts secreting lubricating fluid. I can't bear the thought of it, and if he comes in my mouth I am sure I'd be sick."

Probably few other aspects of sex are more misunderstood in our culture than oral lovemaking. There are very large numbers of women and a few men who reject it for a number of reasons. But for many centuries men and women in some cultures have been practising oral lovemaking, particularly in the Orient and in the warm southern countries of Europe. There is pictorial evidence still existing that the ancient Greeks and Romans practised it as a popular and stimulating foreplay, while Vatsayana describes sex positions in the Kama Sutra, the erotic Indian temple sculptures depict it, and there are erotic paintings, drawings, and sculptures from Bali, Japan, China, and Peru, to mention only a few, which illustrate both cunnilingus (the male's oral caresses of the female genitals) and fellatio (the female's oral caresses of the penis) both singly, and in positions (the most common of which is known as '69') in which each partner is stimulating the other simultaneously.

There are two reasons why we in the north have not practised it so freely, at least in modern times. Though the early and mediaeval Roman Catholic Church tried desperately to regulate the sexual behaviour of its flock, it went to such extremes that its requirements were outside the scope of healthy men and women to fulfil, and they simply did not try. After the Reformation, however, while the Protestants of the north were more far-sighted and not so extreme, they did introduce strictures on sexual behaviour, but these strictures could be attempted by most, e.g. the one permitted position for sexual intercourse (man on top or missionary sex position) and the denial of sexuality to women which removed the need for foreplay.

Oral sex and lovemaking, then, is not a new sexual technique. It is a technique almost as old as man himself. Kinsey (1953) noted in his report on male sexuality, that it was, at the time he made his survey, a more widespread activity than thought. People just did not talk about it, but when he asked they admitted to enjoying it. What he actually wrote was: 'In marital relations, oral stimulation of the male or female genitalia occurs in about 60 per cent of people who have been to college.'

These foreplay techniques are designed to heighten sexual response, as are fondling of the penis or clitoris with the mouth and tongue and caressing the nipple with the fingers or mouth, or the clitoris with fingers or penis; or, in intercourse, between using the missionary sex position and a woman on top or rear entry sex positions.

If the genitals are kept clean they will have far, far fewer bacteria on and around them than there are in the mouth of a normal healthy person. What bacteria are there are much less harmful to health than the bacteria carried by the mouth, and anyone who rejects oral lovemaking on this ground must also reject ordinary mouth-to-mouth kisses, and certainly should avoid deep kissing at all costs. What about the genital secretions? Neither the man's nor the woman's lubricating fluids have anything but a pleasant taste or smell. All men who practices cunnilingus know as much; and women know the same about their partner's lubricating fluid. Of course, it's clear that when a woman is too slippery and her vagina too well lubricated, men lose felling. One unobserved advantage of this may be that a man can last longer under such circumstances than he might normally expect to do!

When a woman cannot bring herself to fellate her partner, she may be able to accept the fact about the lubricating fluid, but still not be able to take her partner's penis into her mouth, because she finds the idea of receiving his semen in her mouth distasteful. If this happens she believes that it will taste extremely unpleasant. Semen cannot harm the health because it contains nothing that can possibly do so. Besides sperm, semen has as its ingredients fructose - simple sugar - which initiates and maintains the motility of the sperm, high concentrations of citric acid and ascorbic acid (vitamin C), a number of enzymes, bicarbonate and phosphate.

While it is true that semen has a distinctive odor - which is imparted by the secretion of the prostate gland - when taken in the mouth it is not really discernible. Sucking her partner's penis will stimulate her, and practically all women (and men) when sexually aroused produce excessive amounts of saliva. The saliva is produced in such quantities that the addition of the half-teaspoonful - or even a teaspoonful if the man has not ejaculated for five or six days previously and is particularly sexually aroused - is not noticeable. Some women do complain that semen does slightly sting the back of the throat as it is swallowed. However, whether the semen is detectable or not as it is taken into the mouth or when it is swallowed, neither experience is unpleasant. That is the important part. Those who fear they may find it so will discover that once they have experienced it, they have no need to hesitate on those scores.

In any case, fellatio and cunnilingus are mostly used as a foreplay technique leading to eventual "penis in the vagina" sex. This is a natural sequence of events, either by choice or because if both partners are sexually aroused, that is where oral sex can naturally lead. There are a number of men suffering from partial impotence who respond to fellatio with full erection. However, as soon as they try to put the penis into the vagina they go flaccid - a kind of partial erectile dysfunction. These men can almost invariably be brought to orgasm by the continuation of fellatio, despite a tendency to find they can't "come" during intercourse - i.e., they have delayed ejaculation.

And there are a number of women who suffer from delayed orgasm no matter how skillfully their partners stimulate them by other means, but who respond well to cunnilingus. If, however, there is a pause in oral stimulation while intercourse is attempted, their arousal recedes to zero, and refuses to come on again, whatever the partner does; yet if cunnilingus is resumed they can be brought to orgasm in a surprisingly short time. The lovemaking should conclude with penis in the vagina intercourse immediately after the woman has achieved orgasm, for the movements of the penis in the vagina will prolong her period of orgasmic afterglow, and she will have a sense of fulfillment when sex and lovemaking is concluded in this way. By and large, since the man's response to sexual stimulation is much more rapid and direct than the woman's, he is not so affected by the means by which he achieves orgasm, so long as the orgasm is fully satisfactory and satisfying. Psychologically, however, most women need to experience the penis in the vagina to be fully satisfied during sexual intercourse.

The male desire to be fellated is practically universal. There exists - and women recognize this - what is known as fellatio libido. That is to say that very many men have a strong sexual desire to be fellated. It is a perfectly normal male desire; men who have a strong fellatio libido and whose partners refuse to co-operate with them, can and do become just as frustrated as men whose normal sexual desire is frustrated by lack of opportunity to satisfy it by intercourse. Men whose fellatio libido is strong and whose partners refuse their help are often very distressed and liable to seek sex outside the relationship. Any woman whose man asks her to fellate him, would do well to overcome her objections and give him that pleasure - as long as he is giving her the same pleasure in reverse! She will if she really loves him, and her reward will be immense. Let me repeat: with washing beforehand, there is no taste or feel that can repel her. If she is really afraid of receiving semen in her mouth - all she has to do is to tell her partner. He will understand and will readily agree to withdraw his penis when he feels he is on the verge of orgasm, at the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

How to give fellatio ("how to give good head")

In all aspects of sex, including oral lovemaking we rely more than ever on good communication. If you both communicate it won't take long to find out how best to caress penis and clitoris. Let's begin with fellatio. The woman should open her mouth widely, drawing her lips over her teeth as tightly as possible but not uncomfortably so. Fellatio is neither kissing the penis, nor sucking it. It is oral friction, with the woman's head moving up and down and from side to side at the same time, rhythmically. It is important to bring the lips right back to the penis tip at the end of the upstroke, so that the lips and tongue can caress the coronal rim; and it is equally important to drive down as deeply as possible on the down-strokes. Before going right down, the glans penis can be sucked or pumped in and out of the mouth two or three times very slowly, but the important thing is to maintain the friction on the penis inside the lips.

There are one or two techniques of "fellatio foreplay", which may be useful to know. These include holding the penis with the hand in such a position that the underside of the penis-head is in close proximity to the tongue, which is run up and down from frenulum base to penis opening lightly, either slowly or quickly; taking the frenulum between the lips and rolling it between them as the man sometimes does when he is caressing a nipple; flicking at the tip just below the opening with very rapid darts of the tongue; if the opening is sizable, holding it open with the fingers and stroking the inside of it with the tip of the tongue; running the tip of the tongue right under the rim, from one side to the other; and making quick flicks all over the glans with the tongue tip. Though the penis shaft is not supposed to be very sensitive, some men find the tongue run up and down the underside from scrotum to tip and back again fairly slowly, but lightly, very stimulating.

Then there is the scrotum. The main thing to remember about it is that the testicles are extremely sensitive to pressure, and they and the scrotum itself must be treated gently. Light stroking of the skin of the scrotum with the tongue is very pleasant, but it can be quite overwhelming if both testicles are drawn into and rolled round the mouth. Very, very gentle love-bites made on the skin of the scrotum can also be arousing.

Most men will respond to the following: The man lies on his back across the bed, with his buttocks as near to, or if possible a little over, the edge of the bed, his legs spread and drawn up towards his chest with the soles of his feet resting on the bed. This exposes the area of the perineum. The woman kneels on the floor, and beginning at the anus, she lightly runs her tongue up the perineum, over the scrotum, up the underside of the penis, pauses at the frenulum and penis tip to flick at them, then retraces her steps, so to speak, down the penis, pauses for a second to nibble gently at the scrotum, then down the perineum to the anus. (All this is done several times in succession.) If she licks the anus lightly, so much the better. The anticipation of the caressing of penis tip and anus at the end of each up-and-down stroke, can be almost unbearable.

The art of cunnilingus is just as skilled. Cunnilingus is licking and sucking, and is always usefully combined with strategically placed caresses of finger-tips. The woman helps her partner a great deal if she uses both her hands to draw back the labia as far as they will go, thus exposing the clitoris, vulva, and vaginal opening.

The clitoris itself is very responsive to quick light flicks with the tongue tip, and some women find that if it is taken between the lips and sucked it will bring on orgasm very quickly. Again there is "cunnilingus foreplay". While he is flicking at the clitoris with tongue tip, he should run a fingertip up one side of the shaft, round and down the other, or take the shaft lightly between his fingers, draw back and release the clitoral hood rhythmically. After a few seconds of flicking at the clitoris, he should run his tongue down the vulva to the vaginal entrance. There he should pause for a few seconds and run the tip of his tongue round the vaginal entrance, perhaps thrusting his tongue into the vagina as far as it will go. He should then go back up the vaginal ridge to the clitoris, whose shaft he has continued to stimulate with his finger or finger and thumb.

Perhaps because the ridges on the tongue provide more friction than the smooth penis, many women respond ecstatically to the tongue being used as a penis. The man lies on his back and the woman kneels astride him with her genital area poised just above his mouth. Either she or he, preferably she, because that leaves his hands free to reach up to her nipples, draws her labia apart. He inserts his tongue into the vagina as far as it will go and then draws it back into his mouth, repeating this rhythmically and either slowly or quickly, as she wishes, every now and again running the tongue tip round the entrance rim. She can if she wishes at the same time stimulate her clitoris with a finger.

If she takes up the same position described for the man, and he kneels on the floor, he can apply the same technique of stimulating the perineum, beginning with the anus and going up to the clitoris and back again. It is best for the couple to experiment to discover the sex positions which suit them best when performing fellatio and cunnilingus. Both forms of stimulation can be carried out by one partner on the other, or by both partners simultaneously.

When deciding which sex position she should adopt, the woman should always bear in mind that if her partner is younger than thirty-five or forty, his erect penis will stand up much closer to his belly than it will do after forty or forty-five, when it is likely to be horizontal to the ground, when he himself is standing upright. She must remember that if she has to depress it too far to get it into her mouth, she will hurt him. He must tell her if she does, so she can adjust her position accordingly. If the man goes down on his partner, a very satisfactory position is if she lies on her back with her legs spread, her knees raised, a pillow, or perhaps two, under her buttocks, and he slides his body down towards the end of the bed, until his face is above her genital area. She cannot of course fondle his penis manually in this position. If he wants her to do that, he should lie on his side beside her, his head towards her genital area and his penis within reach of one of her hands. One of the most satisfactory '69' positions for simultaneous fellatio and cunnilingus is this: the man lies on his back with his head about the middle of the bed. (He will have to draw up his knees if the bed has a footboard.) She places herself above him, her head towards his penis, and her clitoral area over his face, taking her weight on her knees and elbows. With one hand he can part her vaginal lips, and use the other to stimulate her sensitive zones within reach, preferably a nipple.