A Sex Guide For Men and WomenWe deal with common sexual problems and issues, which you can read about by clicking on the links below.
Masturbation and its ProblemsMasturbation means stimulating any of the sensitive zones of the body in order to obtain sexual arousal and orgasm by any means other than by the movement of the penis in the vagina. Usually it refers to self-stimulation or to stimulation by a member of the same or opposite sex (when it is known as mutual masturbation). If a man and a woman stimulate each other to orgasm without penis-vagina contact, it has been called heavy petting; if, however, such stimulation is used as a preliminary to full intercourse, i.e. intercourse that ends with the penis in the vagina, it is called foreplay or sex play. When a man masturbates, he usually takes hold of his erect penis in his hand, or the head of the penis between two fingers and a thumb, and rubs it up and down until the very sensitive nerves in the penis head produce an orgasm. When a woman masturbates, she usually rubs her clitoris with her finger until she achieves orgasm. There are, however, many ways in which both sexes can masturbate themselves. For example, quite a large number of men masturbate by lying on their stomachs, and by thrusting with their buttocks as they would do if the penis were in the vagina, they rub their penis against whatever they are lying on until they ejaculate. Besides finger-manipulation of the clitoris, one of the most common female ways of masturbating is by pressing the thighs very tightly together until the orgasm arrives. A few men and women are so sexually sensitive that they can bring themselves to orgasm by stimulation of their nipples only. The average man takes between two and five minutes to masturbate to orgasm, the average woman ten to fifteen minutes. This difference is also reflected in the male and female experience of orgasm. When a man reaches orgasm and ejaculates, the sensations are concentrated in his penis, scrotum, loins, lower belly, and upper thighs; in other words, he feels it in the concentrated areas of his genitals and their immediate surroundings. When the woman achieves orgasm during sex, however, though she experiences the greater intensity of sensations in her genital area, ripples of sensation spread through her until practically the whole of her body is flushed with orgasm sensations. In its turn, this difference in experience is reflected in the man's and woman's experience of actual arousal. As soon as he is the slightest bit aroused his penis begins to swell and as the arousal becomes more marked, so the penis grows until it is completely changed from flaccid to an erect, hard, swollen cock. When his penis is flaccid a man can be completely unaware that it exists; when it is erect, he cannot fail to be aware of its presence. Automatically his hand goes down, to enjoy the wonderful sensations of masturbation, arousal and orgasm. Two or three minutes of the hand's attention and the man is submerged in his climax. When a woman is aroused, her state is not so obvious. Her vaginal lips swell but their covering of hair makes the swelling undetectable visually except at very close quarters, and though her clitoris becomes erect and emerges from its hood, it remains hidden from view by the folds of the outer lips. Though sensations accompany the swelling, especially if she begins to lubricate, the intensity of attention to the affected swollen parts is not so directly directed as it is in the case of the man to his penis. While the man's touching of his penis is almost a reflex reaction, the touching of her vaginal lips and clitoris is a much more deliberate act on the part of the woman. Nor do the differences end here. If the man is sexually aroused by the chemical reactions that take place within his body and not by his deliberate, direct stimulation of the penis or as a result of cerebral stimulation by sexual thoughts or sights - his feelings of sexual tension, fullness, need to ejaculate (and even sometimes his erection) will not subside until he has had an ejaculation and orgasm. The reason for this is that under the influence of hormones the seminal vesicles - two small reservoirs which store the sperm made by the testicles and which produce their own fluid in which the sperm swim - become so full that they have to be emptied. Supposing an average, healthy man has no other sexual outlet, this filling up of the seminal vesicles takes place every three days. The pressure of sperm plus seminal fluid on the seminal vesicles sets up sexual tension and the penis automatically becomes erect, and if the man does not then deliberately masturbate, the next time he goes to sleep he will have a spontaneous erection, and during the course of an erotic dream he will have a spontaneous ejaculation and orgasm. Though the woman is also sexually sexually aroused by chemical reactions that take place within her body, the mechanism is not the same. As she does not ejaculate, she has no equivalent of the seminal vesicles to become overloaded and set up tension which can only be relieved by orgasm. While women do have erotic dreams during which they experience orgasm, the experience is very very much less widespread and less frequent than is the man's experience. Because of this, the woman's spontaneous sexual arousal and experience of sexual tension will subside in time with far less temptation to masturbate. When the woman does masturbate, she does so, more often than not, not in response to the build-up of sexual tension, but from encouragement from sexual thoughts, or a deliberate act carried out to experience the delights of orgasm sensations. Probably nowhere in the sexual experience of a man and woman are their differences in sexual response so marked as in their masturbating activities. Large numbers of boys masturbate before they are ten years old. Admittedly, quite a number are initiated by older brothers or friends, but the majority have discovered it for themselves. Having had their attention directed to their penis by erection, they have touched it and played with it until they have reached orgasm, because though boys cannot ejaculate, they can experience orgasm before they reach puberty. Boys are capable of erection within a short time of birth, and though no one can be certain of the earliest age at which they can experience orgasm, many authorities believe from their observation of baby boys, that they are capable of orgasm as soon as they are capable of erection. (Boys, of course, cannot have hormonally induced erections or build-ups of sexual tension until they are past puberty. When baby boys have erections they are either due to irritation of the penis head, which causes the baby to handle his penis and bring about erection, or due to the fact that he has discovered the pleasure obtained from playing with his penis quite by chance, and subsequently repeats the experience deliberately.) Baby girls do not develop the same pattern of fondling their genitals and this is carried over into adolescence. It is an established fact that 96 per cent of all boys masturbate; the figure for girls is lower, though statistics are hard to come by. As women, they have more opportunity for sexual intercourse and masturbate less often than men, but most men masturbate all their lives. In contrast, far fewer girls masturbate in adolescence: maybe 50 per cent (as compared with the boys' 96 per cent) by late adolescence, and with a fairly irregular frequency. The percentage increases during the middle twenties, and somewhat strangely, the highest percentage is reached between the ages of forty and fifty. The Victorians took a frightening view of masturbation, especially male masturbation: it was not only a sin, because it wasted God's most precious gift - human seed - but it caused bad health, the brain would not function properly and the waste of semen sapped one's energy. If one persisted in it, one would eventually go mad, and carry signs of this filthy, degrading, disgusting, weakening, and sinful habit of self-abuse on one's face, signs known only to grown-ups, who, when they saw him, would have nothing to do with one. No decent person would. Though it was based on ignorance - the Victorians believed that if semen was not lost through masturbation, it would go into the bloodstream and enrich the health of the whole body - it was an attitude which caused much unhappiness and suffering, not only in adolescence, but throughout adult life. For it set up feelings of guilt, sin, and shame which were carried over into adult sexual behaviour - adult, heterosexual behaviour - which prevented the sex lives of far too many from being either normal or natural. Now, because girls do not produce an ejaculate when they have an orgasm, such arguments could not be used to prevent them from `indulging in the secret vice'. Nevertheless, the attitude towards women's masturbating was, in the sum, no less psychologically devastating than the threats that were poised over men. It was filthy, degrading, and sinful, and it would transform any girl who succumbed to it into a dehumanized woman. Nowadays, of course, we know masturbation is actually beneficial. The sexual organs, like all other parts of the body, require exercise to keep them in trim and toned up. But this is only of secondary importance to the tremendous psychological and emotional benefits that derive from it. This applies far more to the woman's experience of sex. The woman's sex drive and sexual desire are also derived from the actions of the sex hormones, which do not act in quite the same way as the man's, nor with the same frequency, but she still feels the need of a sexual outlet that will satisfy her not only physically but emotionally as well. If she does not provide this outlet by masturbation in the absence of opportunity for intercourse, she, too, will experience frustration. Little girls, if left on their own, and who do not come under the influence of older girls, do not have the same curiosity about their genitals as little boys have about their penises. Those adolescent girls who do discover masturbation for themselves nearly always do so by accident. Many a girl has been introduced to orgasm by horse-riding and bicycle-riding, having realized that the saddle friction has caused it and that the friction can be produced in other ways. It is a fact, however, that quite a number of girls who masturbate are shown how to do so by older girls. As she grows more physically mature, so her sex drive makes greater demands on her. Whereas in adolescence and young adulthood her sexual desire may subside if she does not satisfy it physically, as the years go by her frustrations will mount each time she tries to ignore it. Physical relief, in some form or other, becomes essential, and if opportunities for intercourse are not available, then masturbation is the best substitute. Providing no feelings of guilt or shame are connected with it, the physical relief of achieving orgasm will have only a beneficial psychological effect. One difference between the male and female experience of masturbation lies in the variety of methods open to the female and the lack of variety open to the male. The man invariably concentrates on providing his penis with friction of some kind or another. In fact, 98 per cent of men are unaware that they can bring themselves to orgasm by placing a firm object, like a small box or a book, high up between their thighs behind the scrotum and merely squeezing their thighs about the object, not touching the penis at all. However, this method and two others - the stimulation of a sensitive anal sphincter by a vibrator or the manipulation of highly sensitive nipples, both of which will only work for individuals who are unusually sensitive in these areas - are the only way in which men can masturbate without applying direct friction to the penis. Women, on the other hand, can bring themselves to orgasm by stimulating other areas besides the clitoris. Large numbers, especially in adolescence and early maturity, can bring themselves to orgasm by stimulating their nipples only, because the nervous system of the breasts is directly connected with the female genital nervous system. Others habitually masturbate by manipulating the vaginal lips, while for others the vaginal rim is so sensitive that by a rapid stroking of it with a finger or some object they gain a fairly easy orgasm. The anal sphincter of many women is also sensitive to the use of a vibrator, while the squeezing together of the thighs is also a common method. Women should know that for 99 per cent of all men, masturbation is a part of their sexual nature, and a prominent part at that. It is true that some young men even now have feelings of guilt and shame about their masturbatory activities, but these feelings do not prevent them from masturbating, while those who do not have these feelings regard the activity as so essential a part of their sex lives that they may take it for granted that their partners have had the same experience. All men prefer their partners to have had masturbatory experience, for they know they are sexually aware and can explain to their partners how to give them pleasure. No matter how skilled a lover her partner may be, he cannot possibly know this by instinct. He may discover the ways to turn her on by experiment, but equally he may not. Not only will it save time if she tells him straightaway when to stimulate her and how, it will also save her a good deal of sexual frustration. If he is a wise lover he will ask, but if he doesn't ask, a woman should not hesitate to tell him and show him. If it will embarrass you, as a woman, less, ask him what he most likes to have done to him. He will be grateful to you for asking, and it opens the way for a discussion. Many women are worried about their own and particularly about their man's masturbation during a relationship. Masturbation is quite normal for both partners in a number of situations. For example, during temporary absences it would be abnormal if both did not masturbate, and it would be equally strange, if the partner could not supply full relief by lovemaking, not to make up the deficit by masturbation. Where there has been a row during which such things have been said that a reconciliation, sealed by lovemaking, does not seem immediately possible to either partner, it is natural to use masturbation to avoid sexual tension. What is not appreciated by many women, however, is that very large numbers of happy men who are in long-term relationships, and who are entirely satisfied sexually by their lovemaking, also masturbate from time to time. Many women are shocked to discover this! As one woman speaking for many, puts it, 'It has made me feel sexually inadequate. Where have I gone wrong? What can I do?' She has not gone wrong anywhere; and what she can do is to understand and believe that her man is in no way criticizing her. Men are sexually aroused - by their sex-drive, by sexual thoughts, by seeing attractive girls, by photographs of nudes, by erotic reading - extremely easily and rapidly, and can be just as rapidly relieved by masturbating. Two or three minutes' manipulation of the erect penis is all that is necessary. And, to be honest, sometimes a man just wants a quick wank without any complications, without any fuss, and without the involvement of anyone else. That's just the way it is, and women should accept that. His wanking is his business, not yours. And, having said that, it is great fun to do it together. If the couple enjoy a happy and satisfying sex-life, the woman cannot possibly be sexually inadequate simply because her man masturbates from time to time, even as frequently as once or twice a week. Men not in relationship worry about masturbating. 'Is it possible,' they ask, 'to have masturbated too much as a teenager?' or 'Do you think my frequent masturbation as a teenager may have damaged my sexual system, so that I now suffer from premature or too rapid ejaculation, or partial impotence, or retarded ejaculation, or a curved penis, or some other difficulty'. Their masturbatory frequency in their teenage is normally quite normal - up to twice a day (or as low as once a week). Usually it is never more than the response to an average sex drive would dictate (plus those occasions when they masturbated to relieve a momentary boredom or purely for the pleasure of ejaculating). This is perfectly natural. Adolescents usually masturbate more often than their sex drive prompts them to do, mainly because the experience of orgasm is a relatively new one, and the pleasant sensations, achieved by no other activity, are so attractive that we are often unable to overcome the urge to treat ourselves to them. And why not? The body won't let the man ejaculate to excess. As soon as it has had enough, he loses interest. Finally, a word of warning about becoming fixated on one masturbation technique. For both men and women, this can lead to problems reaching orgasm later in life. In seven cases out of ten women who can't reach orgasm use one method of masturbation only. This reveals the woman who has become fixated on one method of masturbation. Investigations so far have disclosed that it makes no difference whether the woman began to masturbate in adolescence or began only as an adult - if she has used one method exclusively throughout her masturbatory experience, she is more likely than not to have become fixated on the one method, and cannot reach orgasm by any other method, whether applied by herself or her partner. In fact, in quite a high percentage of cases, even when the partner can be taught to apply the fixated method, he fails to bring on orgasm and the woman has to do it herself. Among the more common fixated methods are:
Where the woman is fixated on one masturbation method, the approach must be the same as in the case of a purely psychological block. A vicious circle has been created and must be changed before usual responsiveness is achieved. Fortunately methods 1, 5, 6, and 8 can be incorporated into sexual intercourse. In 1, the woman closes her legs after the penis has entered her from the man-above position, and then squeezes her thighs together as she does when masturbating. In 5, a vibrator made of rubber with a 'cushion of prongs' is attached to the penis and makes contact with the clitoral area. In 6, orgasms can be achieved if the sex position adopted allows the woman to stand, and either she or her partner is able to stimulate the clitoris with a finger. In 8, she will achieve orgasm if she takes the upper position, squeezes the partner's thighs between her own, and swings with her buttocks. These methods do, in these cases, allow the woman to come off during intercourse. On the other hand, however, they are merely a substitute for the fixated method; the vicious circle is not broken. Some means of breaking the vicious circle has to be found by the woman and her partner. This really applies, too, to breaking the circle in the other four methods, since although they do allow the woman to achieve orgasm during sex, until the circle is broken she and her partner will only be able to make love to mutual orgasm in the one position. This can lead to boredom, if the couple have to use the same position every time they make love. In quite a number of cases, however, the use of a vibrator has been successful; but in their relief at getting to orgasm by a method other than the fixated one, the women have switched to the exclusive use of the vibrator and have become fixated on that, which is pointless. And another word of warning, though this time to all vibrator users - some women may be so thrilled with the ease and comfort with which they respond to a vibrator, that they have taken part in three or four masturbation sessions a day, inducing several orgasms at each session. Within a short time they have found that the clitoris is not responding so readily to the vibrator and they have to apply it for a progressively longer time. Some of them can no longer induce orgasm with a vibrator at all. As soon as they apply it to the clitoral area, the clitoris goes completely numb. There is one form of masturbation fixation which is not a bar to orgasm during intercourse. Many women have their own pet spot on the clitoris or in the general clitoral area which responds most readily to finger stimulation. Some, for example, tickle the clitoral head with either slow or rapid light flicks of a finger-tip; others run a finger-tip up and down one side or other of the shaft; others run a finger-tip up one side of the shaft and down the other - and so on. These women will respond to this method if it is carried out by the partner. They should share this with their men. Men do not fall into the trap of fixated masturbation techniques as often as women. This is chiefly because the two most popular male techniques - rubbing the head of the penis between two fingers and the thumb, or enclosing the shaft in the hand - closely resemble the relationship between penis and vagina during penis-vagina contact. However, a number of cases of male fixation produce retarded ejaculation. That is to say, no matter how long they thrust the penis in the vagina and no matter how intensely they feel they are on the point of orgasm, they never actually ejaculate with the penis in the vagina. They will only reach orgasm by masturbating with their fixated technique. A common method for a man is to push the penis down between his thighs and roll it between them. (Incidentally, by doing this exclusively over a number of years, the head of his penis in full erection may now point down towards his feet instead of up towards his navel.) Another is to always lay on his belly with pillows between his legs, and thrust with his buttocks. This may lead to a condition called traumatic masturbatory syndrome, where a man can ejaculate during masturbation, but only with great effort (or not at all). If his difficulties continue into sexual intercourse, he may find he is unable to ejaculate during sex, which is called delayed ejaculation. Some men can only bring themselves off by exerting pressure on the frenulum by putting two fingers and a thumb round the shaft about an inch below the rim, and pulling the skin of the shaft very hard down towards the base of the penis...and so on. As with women, fixated methods of male masturbation can only be got rid of by breaking the 'vicious circle', which is achieved by inducing orgasm by methods other than the fixated one. One new method will not be enough to clear the fixation; the subject must be taught to respond to at least two or three new methods. This again requires much patience and perseverance both on the part of the subject and the therapist, whether the latter is the partner or a professional. Though it is more difficult to clear male fixations than female ones, it can be done. A further fact that fixated masturbation techniques are much more common among women than men is a natural result of the fact that more boys are taught to masturbate by older relatives or friends, who use the most generally practised technique - the whole hand clasping the penis. Even where boys discover masturbation for themselves, the majority seem quite naturally to use this method, which has a symbolic resemblance to penis-vagina contact. One aspect of male sexuality demands that the vast majority of adolescent boys have frequent sexual outlets with masturbation as the usual method. In contrast, the masturbation statistics for girls show that far fewer seem to require sexual outlets during adolescence, and those that do masturbate, do so with a far lower frequency than boys. But satisfying orgasm response during intercourse is more readily achieved by adult women who have masturbated during adolescence than by women who have never masturbated before having their first sexual contacts with men. Because of this, girls should be encouraged to masturbate from puberty (and maybe before). It is equally important, however, to stress to them that they must use a variety of techniques, in order to avoid becoming fixated on one. So that there should be no mistake that this advice is serious, the different techniques should be described to them. Ideally, the mother is the right person to do this, but failing the mother, the instruction should be given in schools. Some chance.
|