A Sex Guide For Men and Women
We deal with common sexual problems and issues, which you can read about by clicking on the links below.
Orgasm During Sexual Intercourse
The whole object of foreplay is to close the arousal-gap during sex (i.e. the way men are sexually aroused more quickly than women) by bringing the woman to the threshold of the point-of-no-return, that point at which she feels that if the man continues to stimulate her for another few seconds she will achieve orgasm, before the penis is put into the vagina. A woman can judge this and make the decision about when the penis should enter her; if she has not been sufficiently stimulated and aroused during foreplay she will rarely come by penis-vagina contact, even if the man can thrust his penis backwards and forwards in the vagina for fifteen, twenty, or perhaps thirty minutes without ejaculating himself. Very many women require continued stimulation of the clitoral area by a finger or some other means during sexual intercourse, if they are to make it to orgasm.
Once the decision for the man to enter the woman has been taken, assuming that the woman has been sufficiently sexually stimulated and brought to the threshold of the orgasm, not a second should be wasted in getting the penis into the vagina. To make it easier the woman should reach down between her legs, spread her labia, and guide her partner's penis into her vaginal entrance. It is essential that no time should be lost because many women require continued clitoral stimulation right to orgasm. A five-second pause, and her sexual arousal sensations may fall right back; a couple of seconds more and she is right back where she started - sexually unaroused. If she is to orgasm with the penis in the vagina, then the man must devise some way of stimulating the clitoris after penetration. Fortunately the woman whose sensations have fallen back does not need such a long stimulation to arouse her a second time. But if she is not sexually stimulated then she will not achieve orgasm.
Many a woman has gone through her sex life without having an orgasm during sexual intercourse for these reasons. The first thing the woman who wishes to know how to achieve orgasm during intercourse should do, therefore, is to examine the sexual techniques and stimulation techniques she and her partner employ, and then make the necessary adjustments. Every woman should tell her partner how he should stimulate her to get the best sexual response from her - which means she has got to know her own body; and every man should seek this kind of guidance. Of course, it requires a nice degree of judgment in a woman to know the exact moment for penetration that will allow her to continue to orgasm. If she goes over the threshold of the point-of-no-return it is too late to break off sexual stimulation until that particular orgasm is complete. On the other hand, she must come right up to the threshold of the point where she feels that another ten seconds of stimulation will send her over the top - before she gives the signal. Clearly the man cannot judge when this precise moment arrives.
It has got to be a question of the woman recognizing the intensity of her sexual sensations at the threshold of the point-of-no return. The majority of men can do this and any woman can do it, too. But it does need deliberate conscious awareness of what is happening in her body; the woman who lies there content to "let things happen" will never do it!
Maybe it will require some practice. This can take the form either of self-masturbation or masturbation by the partner. So, if you're a woman, and you want to enjoy the pleasure of orgasm during intercourse, bring yourself or let your partner bring you, up to the point-of-no return several times. As your sexual excitement mounts, take conscious note of exactly how intense the sensations are at any given moment. It should not take long for you to know when to tell your partner to stop. Let the sensations recede to zero and then start again. Do this eight or ten times before finally letting orgasm overtake you. Half a dozen sessions of this and you will instinctively know when the moment has arrived.
However, for the large majority of women, as soon as stimulation ceases their arousal recedes at quite a remarkable rate. This means that the man must place his penis in her vagina with the least possible delay, if he is going to have any chance of bringing his partner to orgasm by swinging his penis in the vagina. In order not to lose a single precious second, in the missionary, woman-astride and rear-entry-lying-on-sides sex positions, the woman must help him to get his penis in by reaching down with both hands, parting her labia with the third, fourth and fifth fingers, and guiding the penis to the vaginal entrance with the two index fingers.
But even in the ten to fifteen seconds that this act of penetration takes, the sexual arousal of many women will have gone back so far that four or five minutes of quite vigorous penis-swinging at least, are required to bring them up to the point-of-no-return before orgasm again. There are not many men who can delaying their ejaculation for long enough until their partner is anything like ready. Thus we are back to "My man can't get me to orgasm during intercourse."
So now what? Obviously, manual clitoral stimulation must be restarted after the penis has been put into the vagina, and continued this time until the orgasmic point-of-no-return has been reached. Some positions for sexual intercourse make for easy continued manual stimulation of the woman's clitoris; for example, the kneeling and standing rear-entry sex position, the seated sex positions on an armless chair, the woman lying on her back on the bed, or the settee, or an armchair and the man kneeling between her legs, the woman lying on her back on a table and the man standing between her legs, and the rear-entry on sides sex positions. In all these positions, as well as clitoral stimulation with one hand, the other hand is free to stimulate a nipple or breast.
A great idea is to continue stimulating any sensitive erogenous area within reach, especially the woman's breasts and the man's buttocks and scrotum, after penetration during sex. Once the penis is in the vagina, more is necessary than just thrusting: while the man will eventually reach orgasm during sex in this situation, his orgasm sensations will be much more intense and his sexual satisfaction much greater if his sexually sensitive areas are caressed by the woman while he is thrusting. Similarly, the woman's orgasm experience will be better if she receives added stimulation on any other sensitive zone within reach, in addition to clitoral stimulation. In some sex positions, especially the rear-entry, though most of the man's sensitive zones are out of the woman's reach, there are three very sensitive zones that she can caress if she reaches a hand between her own legs and makes contact with his scrotum, the base of the penis on the underside - that part that does not go into the vagina no matter how deep penetration is - and a little further back still - his perineum.
Try this: while manual clitoral stimulation is continued after penetration, the man makes only very slow and long thrusts with his penis. At the moment the first of the woman's orgasmic contractions takes place, i.e. the point-of-no-return is reached, she tells him or gives him a signal. Thereupon he stops clitoral and any additional stimulation and thrusts his penis rapidly and vigorously in her vagina. This movement of the penis, while she is having her orgasm, greatly increases the intensity of the woman's orgasm. If he can thrust rapidly and vigorously for two or three minutes the woman will come up to a second peak of sensation, if not a second orgasm.
In the missionary sex position - see www.greatestloving.com - manual clitoral stimulation can also be carried out by the man, but to do so he has to twist his wrist a little awkwardly, which may make his hand ache. (Actually, in this position the woman is ideally placed to stimulate her clitoris herself.) To reach the clitoris with a finger, after the penis has been guided into the vagina, the man lifts his buttocks just sufficiently to allow him to slip a hand between their two pubic areas. While he stimulates her clitoris he makes long slow swings with his penis (meaning he is relaxed and his buttock muscles are relaxed, not tense). As she becomes orgasmic, she tells him, he takes his hand away quickly and makes rapid and vigorous thrusts. If she has been stimulating herself, as she reaches the point-of-no-return she takes her hand away; this is his signal to begin vigorous, rapid thrusting.
There is an alternative method to manual stimulation in the missionary sex position. After entry, the man presses his pubic bone quite firmly on his partner's pubic bone, and keeps it there while he either swings his buttocks from side to side, or rotates his pelvis. At the same time the women swings her buttocks or rotates her pelvis from the opposite direction. This movement is kept up until the woman reaches her orgasmic point-of-no-return, whereupon, at her signal, the man thrusts his penis in the vagina rapidly and vigorously. Large numbers of women who are unable to reach orgasm during intercourse would do so if they asked their partners to co-operate in these ways.
Let me repeat the cardinal rules:
(1) The man does not enter until the woman asks him to.
(2) She helps to guide the penis into the vagina.
(3) Manual clitoral stimulation is continued after penetration until the woman reaches her orgasmic point-of-no-return.
(4) Additional stimulation of any sensitive zone within reach should be carried out simultaneously with clitoral stimulation after entry.
BUT! The great majority of women in order to achieve orgasm during intercourse easily, need continual manual clitoral stimulation after entry. Doing this will produce more intense and satisfying orgasms for both partners. (However, if a woman has used some specific and special masturbation techniques, she may be conditioned to the extent that only that specific technique will bring on orgasm. Generally when this happens all arousal sensitivity is centered on the clitoris, and only by stimulation of the clitoris in that special way can the woman achieve orgasm. She will never come during penis-vagina contact: only by masturbation.) However, women can always develop new areas of sensitivity - the vaginal entrance, the perineum (which lies between the vagina entrance and the anus), and the anal sphincter can become extremely sensitive.
Factors producing difficulty in reaching orgasm
First, there is the woman who fears unwanted pregnancy. Though she may be sexually aroused and be brought to the threshold of the orgasm, as soon as the penis is put into her she goes tense, and no amount of stimulation while the penis is in the vagina will bring her to orgasm. Adopting the cap or the pill as the method of birth control, so that she can be sure she will not become pregnant, may well help to overcome this issue.
The opportunity for regular intercourse that a permanent sexual relationship provides can be the breeding-ground of laziness. People may come to expect little from sex, want little from sex, and not bother about clueing themselves up on sex positions and techniques. The logic seems to be: when you can get what you want with the least action, the least trouble, why put yourself out for better action? But when sexual laziness takes over, boredom is not far away. It is only when boredom sets in that they sense that what they wanted and got from sex has not been enough to satisfy their psychological needs. They don't think in these terms, because they don't and can't really assess or even identify their psychosexual needs. All they know is that something has gone wrong and the results are not good. Then they begin trying to evade the unsatisfying results of their sex, by having sex less and less. It is now that frustrations begin to build up. Tempers become frayed, and what started out with the prospects of being a loving relationship is transformed into a battle between sexual enemies.
Enemies in one aspect of the relationship, it is not long before every aspect of the relationship is affected. There are squabbles over undercooked meals, squabbles about unironed shirts, squabbles about being late for meals, squabbles about meals not being ready, squabbles about where to go out, or whether to go out at all, squabbles about which TV channel shall be watched, squabbles over the children, squabbles over uncut lawns, squabbles over too high spending bills and squabbles about...well, you name it, and there is a squabble. The whole fabric of the relationship is undermined, and presently it comes tumbling down. And not only are the couple themselves affected; all those who live with them, or come into contact with them, feel the pressures of their unhappiness as well. There are millions of such out-of-love couples cluttering up the globe. And why? Because so many have not the courage to face up to the fact that cock in cunt does not equal love! It is love that makes the world go round!
How can all these calamities be prevented from happening? Sex for sex's sake is inferior to sex used to demonstrate the partners' love for each other. Maybe you think you can have just as good a time on a one-night stand, when you certainly haven't known your partner long enough to love her/him, or to have any affection for her/him. Sure, you can get physical pleasure; in the one-night stand you are only there for the sex, and if you and your partner know what each of you is about technique-wise, of course you can have a fabulous time. But it is a transitory experience. Afterwards you go on your way, and may never see one another again. With the face you forget, you forget also the cunt (cock). But in a lasting relationship you cannot forget the face, and if you forget the cock (cunt) you will soon find yourself out on a sexual limb. You will be fucking, and that's all. The splendor of your one-night stands fades because of constant repetition with people you don't know, and soon palls. But give a meaning to your sex, and you will find that keeping the meaning going encourages you to keep it really going; not just jogging along, but fresh and exciting. Your sexual self-esteem won't let you undermine, by laziness, your self-esteem as a whole person.
And the best way to give meaning to your fucking, so that it is transformed into lovemaking? Here is the formula: Physical sex should be the visible expression of the emotional love the partners have for one another. If you apply this to your lovemaking it means that each session must be as good as both of you can make it for the other. Automatically it will also mean that you surrender yourself completely to your sexuality. No inhibitions will hold you back, no doubts will lessen your appreciation of one another's bodies, every part of your body will be at your partner's pleasure, just as hers will be for yours. You may think that having to pay so much attention to each caress will make your lovemaking too serious, too deliberate. At the beginning that will probably happen, but as you become more adept in the physical sexual techniques, the less you have to think about them. In time they become second nature, and then you have time for laughter, time for fun, time to set your sexual imaginations to work to find new thrills which will keep boredom at bay.
This exercising of the sexual imagination must be constant. You may think you will run out of ideas sooner or later, but you never do, because the more you stimulate your imagination, the more sexually inventive you become. The number of sexual caresses you can try is infinite. The stage for your lovemaking - inside and outside the house - is unlimited. And if you suddenly realize you are sexually bored, your chance of getting rid of the boredom depends how badly you want not to be bored, because it does entail a complete overhaul not just of your sex-life, but the routines of your domestic, working and social lives as well. This takes time and a great deal of patience, and it involves both of you equally, though one may start out as the leader.
First find out how your sexual bodies work; next analyze your lovemaking routines. Search for what it is that is holding you back from trying out new ideas; check that you believe nothing you can do sexually with your partner is immoral, sinful or shameful, and that she believes it too. Believe that your physical sex is the expression of your emotional love, and then convince yourself that because your love is fun, so should your sex be. It takes time and it takes determination, but if you want it badly enough it can be done. It helps if, at the same time, you look at the routines that govern your extra-sex lives, and change them.
Get variety into them, too. Refuse, whenever you can, to be tied by the clock, by habit, by custom, by outside influences that are changeable if you want to change them. (For example, the routine some families get into of having the parents to lunch one Sunday and lunching with them the next, and things like this.) Change little personal habits, too, though they may have served you well for half a life-time. Brush your teeth before you shave, shave before you brush your teeth. Change your tooth-paste once a month or so. On holidays don't shave until after breakfast. Don't put on the kettle before you get out the breakfast dishes; lay up the table, then put on the kettle. Make the toast before you get out the cereals; get out the cereals before you make the toast. Change before lunch; change after lunch. Don't always have your hair done at 11 a.m. every Thursday; sometimes have it done at 10 a.m. on a Friday.
These may seem like unimportant things, but they have the merit of breaking the monotony of the routine; and nothing helps more to bring variety into your bed than to have no set pattern out of bed. Remember, to have a happy continuing sex life, week in, week out, month in, month out, year in, year out, your sexual activities must have an end more inspiring than orgasm. If you make love to that end, not only will your orgasm become more inspiring, but so must the whole of your relationship.
On sexual betrayal and unfaithfulness
What is it that causes men and women who have all the opportunities for sex and lovemaking that a long term relationship provides, to seek and engage in sexual activities with someone other than their long-term partner? The majority of couples get together because they believe the attraction they have for one another is love. The concept of love still has an irresistible magic about it, and though being in love does not inevitably necessitate a long-term relationship for its fulfillment, that's how we operate in our culture. In the majority of cases, I believe there is a love-relationship of one degree or another. But I equally believe that there cannot be a desire to embark on a long-term relationship without there being a strong emotional-spiritual-sexual attraction between the partners.
The attraction begins mainly as a physical, sexual attraction, though most couples will tell you that in their case it was not sexual attraction only. She was attracted by his gentleness, kindness and lovely smile; he was attracted by her really fine mind, her encouragement and understanding, or whatever. All that may be so, but analysis of marriage-motives reveals without doubt that it is the sexual attraction that brings the couple together in the first place. Now if, it is the sexual which is the strongest initial attraction, then the couple should have little difficulty in establishing either a sexual relationship which sexually satisfies both partners. But in actual fact, it rarely works out like that.
Even where the sexual attraction is equally strong on both sides, where both the "involuntary" and the "voluntary" sex drives are more or less equal, and the desire to give and take sexually is about the same, other factors become involved which introduce sexual incompatibility into a relationship which has all the apparent hallmarks of sexual compatibility. (The 'involuntary' sex-drive is the result of the chemical reactions that take place within our bodies caused by hormone activities. So long as the responsible hormones are functioning, we cannot fail to respond to the urges they create - hence 'involuntary'. The 'voluntary' sex-drive is the urge to have physical sex created by our minds and imaginations. This urge we can arouse any time we like by setting our sexual imaginations in train, hence 'voluntary'. We make love more often in response to our voluntary sex-drive, than we do in response to our involuntary sex-drive.)
This is the sexual truth which advocates the use of physical love to demonstrate to one's partner the depths of one's (verbally indescribable) emotional love for him/her. Making physical love imparts to both partners equal responsibilities for learning those techniques of physical lovemaking that most rouse the partner sexually and will, therefore, inevitably give him/her the most satisfying climax both physically and emotionally. In other words, using physical lovemaking to demonstrate one's emotional love in this way, requires both partners to be both active and passive in the sexually accepted meaning of active and passive, not, as is still believed by the majority, that the man is the initiator, the active partner, while the woman passively accepts and submits to his sexual advances.
If a couple who are physically attracted are prepared to make their physical sex as perfect as they can, it ought to become so, whether or not they began by being sexually compatible. So if you have love and sexual compatibility, and are using sex to demonstrate love, surely you must have a situation in which neither partner should have need of any sexual activity outside the relationship. Yet there is abundant evidence which shows that even in the most apparently perfectly balanced relationships such a need for 'extra' sexual activity does often exist. The proof of this is that in almost every country which recognizes divorce, adultery is way-out ahead as the first grounds of the petition.
So there must be something wrong somewhere; and the flaw lies in the lack of true understanding of the relationship that has been built up. Too many people too readily accept too low standards both of love and sex, and particularly the latter. Not that they are not sincere about the relationships they do manage to form, but that in their surprise at forming a pleasant and a working relationship at all, they congratulate themselves too soon on their achievement. The human relationship, whether it be between a man and a woman, two men or two women, rarely reaches perfection. So long as we live there is scope for improvement, and the terrible truth is that when we think we have reached perfection, a yawning abyss actually cuts us off from true perfection.
Both love and sex are continuing processes. Only a few can be sure they have attained the unobtainable. No one, either male or female, can afford to be complacent, emotionally or physically, where the human relationship is concerned, and it is this that makes a relationship the most exciting of all human experiences. Couples who are vaguely aware that something is not quite right with their relationship almost without exception say, 'It was marvelous at the beginning, but now...' What has happened is something like this.
Most couples embark on a relationship with what really amounts to exaggerated expectations. Even if they have had sex on a regular basis before, the fact that they can now have it at any time that both partners are available, within (hopefully) comfortable and secure surroundings, is sexually arousing; and the 'first flush' of the new relationship enhances the experiences of the sexual responses. Compared with any other sexual experience they may have had, this is fantastic! Perhaps, naturally, they believe that they have attained the pinnacle of sexual achievement. Especially is this so if the woman has had no orgasm 'difficulties', that is to say she can achieve orgasm easily, and the man has not had his sexual ego damaged by not being able to last longer in bed.
Even if their inhibitions have caused no trouble, and they have experimented with what, for them, are advanced sexual techniques of lovemaking, they do not realize that they must always be searching for new techniques in order to ward off sexual boredom, the great destroyer of the relationship. Their new-found sexual passion carries them over the first year and a half to two years, then gradually, one or the other, or both, begin to lose interest. They respond only to their involuntary sex-drives, and their aim may be to get the fucking over in the shortest possible time. The disintegration of sex is accompanied by the disintegration of love, and the whole relationship flounders. Many go through the rest of their lives as sexual zombies. By middle-age they have become complete drop-outs from sex. These are usually the couples where both partners have retreated into cocoons of disillusionment.
With couples where one partner is dissatisfied by the turn of events, very often, sooner or later, the opportunity for sex outside will present itself, and this experience, too, is more than likely to be an exaggerated one. The rediscovery of sex can be so exhilarating even when the experience, looked at coldly, is mediocre at best, that judgment is impaired and indiscretion takes over, leading to discovery by the other partner. By this time, the relationship has let its defenses fall into utter decay. All roads lead to break-up. One may plead that the cause of his/her unfaithfulness is the sexual incompatibility of the partner. Sexual incompatibility, however, is one of the hoariest of all sexual myths.
Sexual incompatibility is said to exist when one partner's sexual needs are in excess of the other's ability to satisfy them. "She/he just didn't want sex as often as I did," "His/her sexual demands were more than I could cope with." Incompatibility need not exist except where there is a deliberate desire on the part of one partner for one reason or another, that it shall exist. Suppose, for example, that John marries Jane. Though Jane is not so sexually uninhibited as John would wish, at the beginning she reacts to his sexual approaches to a degree that is satisfying for John, and, in any case, he believes that in time, he will gradually be able to break down her inhibitions.
Unhappily, he eventually discovers it is not going to happen as he expected. Children arrive and bring with them two changes in the family way of life: (a) a tighter economic situation, which puts pressures on both father and mother, and (b) a curtailment of the mother's freedom. The economic situation can be mitigated only if man and woman are equally concerned in resolving it. This is more likely to occur where there is a relationship of genuine love-sex, but where there is a sexual disparity, more often than not quarrels arise, and these adversely affect the sex life even further. Unless the father is prepared to play quite a large part in home life and bringing up the kids, the mother will inevitably become overburdened.
Tired by the physical energy she must expend on chores, psychologically bored by the curtailment of social activities outside the home, she excuses herself from sex. This withdrawal from sex, though primarily based on lack of physical energy, is not solely so. When you probe, there is in almost the almost every case, an unconscious desire for revenge against the partner (a) for his previous sexual importunity; (b) for his present comparative freedom from the ties of the family, provided by his escape to the office daily, and (c) for his continuing social life outside the home.
The sexually deprived woman is comparable in every way to the situation in which John and Jane have got themselves. The man who, for personal ambition or economic reasons, devotes so much of his energies to his career that he persuades himself he has no energy left for sex, is in a similar situation. If a man wishes to improve his performance in bed and control his premature ejaculation, www.delayingyourejaculation.com is helpful in describing techniques suitable to get greater ejaculatory control.
There is only one way in which these situations can be reasonably resolved, and that is by communication with the aim of working out a compromise. If one partner refuses such a discussion - and it is usually the partner who has dropped out of sex who does refuse - then the other partner seems to be absolutely justified in seeking sexual satisfaction outside the relationship, if the relationship is to continue. At the same time, however, there is no excuse for the partner having sex outside the relationship to engage in activities which may hurt the other physically or mentally. In other words, no matter what the state of the relationship is, if it is the wish of both that the relationship shall continue, the frustrated partner must conduct his/her outside-relationship sexual activities so discreetly that the other shall not be aware of them, and so not be hurt by them.
Either partner who does not observe this rule, deserves everything that comes to him/her. While undoubtedly the chief causes of sex outside the relationship are the sexual frustrations and tensions built up by the lack of sufficient sexual outlets, there are a number of others which are not widely recognized. Take, for example, the man who has developed a strong fellatio libido i.e. a strong, often obsessive, desire to be fellated. In every other respect, the sexual relationship with the partner is satisfactory, but she just cannot respond to her partner's desire to be fellated. The unfulfilled fellatio libido can build up frustrations and tensions equal to those built up by insufficient lovemaking, and these frustrations and tensions can reach such proportions that the relationship, good though it is except for this, is eventually undermined.
Are both partners to allow the disintegration of their entire relationship to take place when it could be preserved if the man occasionally had sex with an outside-relationship partner who was prepared to fellate him, and thereby relieve his frustrations and tensions? The preservation of the relationship fully justifies this use of outside-relationship sex; and it's hard to see how, in these circumstances, the outside-relationship sex acts can be classified as infidelity.
But if a man or woman decides to relieve his particular frustrations outside the relationship, s/he must conduct his activities in such a way that her/his partner is not hurt by discovering what s/he is doing. And of course s/he must be careful about HIV and practice safe sex. There are also men and women who have a perfectly satisfactory relationship with their partners, but who occasionally have a strong desire to take part in mildly sadistic or masochistic acts which they know are repellent to their partners. If these desires become so frustrating that the relationship is threatened, then an outside outlet seems justified.
Then there is the couple who are separated for long periods of time. Are they both to be condemned to lives of sexual frustration? So long as the outside-the-relationship sex activity does not threaten the relationship - and in such cases it very seldom does - not only are they not guilty of infidelity, but both partners are entitled to temporary sexual relationships.
Perhaps the most difficult case for many to reconcile is that of the man whose psychosexual make-up is such that he needs a constant change of sexual partner to obtain full satisfaction. There are more such men about than is generally realized, and some women. Ideally, they ought not to get into permanent relationships, but, in many cases, a relationship is held together because one partner seeks sex outside it.
While it may be asking much of a partner to condone the other having sex outside the relationship, it ultimately depends upon the state of the marriage / relationship. Most of these women and men are capable of the deepest love for their partner and family, and if the whole domestic scene is a happy one, immersed in love, then I believe the other partner's attempt to accept and ignore their outside sexual activities are more than worthwhile. Some women in this situation have said things like: "So long as he loves me and keeps me sexually happy, supports the home financially and loves the children, why should I worry about his having sex on the side? It was a bit of a shock when I first found out, but when he explained it to me, and assured me that he only loves me and will do anything else to make me happy, why should I stand in the way of his being happy? I know that if he didn't have these other women, he would become unhappy, and that would make us all unhappy. As it is, I have no complaints at all, and I love him so much I can't imagine what life would be like not being with him."
Ethics are an entirely personal affair. However, that the traditional moral stance with regard to sex beyond a marriage or relationship needs to be rethought in the light of human sexuality. Certainly moral attitudes towards infidelity have been more responsible for the break-up of marriages in the past than the sexual acts themselves. One of the greatest safeguards of marriage / long-term relationship is a deeper understanding of our sexual natures and a consequent reappraisal of our sexual morality; this understanding also makes us more human.