A Sex Guide For Men and Women
We deal with common sexual problems and issues, which you can read about by clicking on the links below. This page deals with ejaculation problems. Other pages are listed below.
The Sexual Side Of Your Relationship
The average man in a relationship, without any previous stimulation of the penis or other sensitive zones, is able to reach orgasm and ejaculate during sex by manual, oral or vaginal friction of the penis within two to five minutes of achieving full erection, unless he deliberately delays his progress towards orgasm.
In other words, if a man masturbates, is fellated or enters his partner the second he reaches full erection, and makes no attempt to control his arousal sensations, he will achieve orgasm within two to five minutes of rubbing, sucking or thrusting.
Now, while the average female may sometimes have roughly the same timescale when she masturbates herself, when she is in a sexual situation with a partner, she generally needs anything between 10 and 15 minutes of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm if there has been enough foreplay. Why is this?
Is it because women are easily distracted during sex? The male, while making love, is in a constant state, not only of physical stimulation but psychological stimulation.
He achieves the latter by looking at his partner's body, by talking erotically to her or hearing her talk erotically, by fantasizing sexually in a whole host of ways. In fact, while actually engaged in fucking, the average male can scarcely avoid responding to such psychological stimulation.
For a woman, it is the physical stimulation of the clitoral area and other sensitive zones, rather than psychological stimuli, which leads to orgasm.
What is more, this physical stimulation must, once begun, be continuous until orgasm is reached. If the partner stops whatever form of stimulation he is applying - manual, oral or coital - the steady build-up in the woman's sexual arousal responses quickly drops back; and if the cessation of stimulation lasts for a minute or two minutes, she will be right back at the beginning, in a state of complete unarousal.
Nor is cessation of physical stimulation the only cause of this fall-back in arousal. Though she does not readily respond with arousal to psychological stimuli, she is affected adversely by what may be termed psychological non-stimuli.
She reacts, for instance, much more than her partner, to any apparent or real threat of interruption e.g. the arrival of children home from school, the ringing of the telephone, a knock on the door, voices outside the window.
She may be at the threshold of orgasm, but if distracted by one of these things, and a host of others, literally within seconds all her arousal sensations completely evaporate, and all her physical indications of arousal - erection of clitoris, swelling of labia, erection of nipples - disappear. When the panic is over, the stimulation must begin again from scratch.
All this being so, if a couple's sexual relationship is to be both satisfactory and satisfying, giving both complete relief from psychological and physical arousal and leaving both sexually satisfied, some way must be found of bridging this arousal gap between the partners.
This is usually achieved by foreplay, and this is why it is of the greatest importance that both men and women should give a good deal of time and patience to acquiring good physical lovemaking techniques. It's very important that the male asserts control over his progress to orgasm, so that it is slowed down, and also has sexual techniques which will, at the same time, ensure that his partner reaches orgasm.
This control over the speed of his own arousal can be acquired by the average man after a period of regular lovemaking. The chief requirements are a knowledge of the right ejaculation control techniques, and determination. Unfortunately, there are a number of men who are not only unable to acquire this control, but whose responses are so rapid that they ejaculate during intercourse in a much shorter time than two minutes.
This creates serious difficulties for the sexual relationship, because once the man has ejaculated, his penis goes soft in a short time and the glans becomes extremely tender, so he may be unable to continue the thrusting required to bring his partner to orgasm.
There are many things that can go wrong with sex, so it is not surprising that male sexual dysfunctions include a number of orgasmic and ejaculatory defects.
Video on delayed ejaculation
First of all is the one with which we are all familiar - premature ejaculation. the less said about this, the better, perhaps! And then there is that old favorite of men the world over - erectile dysfunction. Both of these may be seen as a dysfunction of arousal - in one case too high; in the other case too low.
But what are we to make of retarded or delayed ejaculation, where a man finds that he cannot ejaculate normally despite (apparently) being highly aroused? Well, the answer seems to be that delayed ejaculation is a disorder of arousal and a man who cannot ejaculate during sex may not be very aroused at all.
In any event, lack of control over progress to orgasm gives rise to a number of ejaculatory conditions; for example premature ejaculation, too rapid ejaculation, retarded ejaculation, and retrograde ejaculation (which means ejaculation of fluid backwards into the bladder rather than outwards through the urethra).
The first three of these sexual conditions can sometimes cause serious emotional and physical problems for a man: especially delayed ejaculation, which runs counter to all expectations about men and sex. (After all, most men ejaculate too rapidly, rather than having trouble coming at all.)
By premature or too rapid ejaculation, we mean ejaculation before the penis gets into the vagina, or within two minutes of the penis getting into the vagina, or a considerable time before the partner begins to approach her orgasm, so that she has to be brought to orgasm manually or orally. There are plenty of effective quick ejaculation remedies available from around the world here.
Delayed ejaculation means that a man cannot come, no matter how long his penis is stimulated either manually, orally or vaginally, the man is unable to ejaculate and orgasm is not reached and there is no ejaculation.
Retrograde ejaculation occurs when the semen is ejaculated at orgasm backwards into the bladder, a condition caused by changes in the internal muscles as a result of prostate surgery.
Besides these main types of ejaculation disorders, there are two others which occur frequently enough to be mentioned, though they are comparatively rare: difficulty in reaching orgasm and ejaculation, though they do come eventually; and ejaculation with no feeling (the "numb come").
Dating advice for women
of the major differences between men and women is the extent to which they
desire a long-term relationship. Classically, we've all been led to believe that
women are the ones who want to capture a man and never let him go, whilst men
would like the ones who have the opportunity to fuck around freely.
See our review of The Venus Factor Diet on the page on the obesity link above.
Premature and Too Rapid Ejaculation
Only 15 per cent of all cases where men ejaculate too quickly have physical causes; the remaining 85 per cent are caused psychologically. Let's consider the physically caused cases first.
The male's main orgasm-producing nerves are situated in truly massive formation around the opening in the penis-tip, and in the frenulum, the tiny band of skin which joins the skin of the penile shaft to the glans on the underside of the penis. By stimulation of one or other or both of these sets of nerves either manually, orally or vaginally, orgasm will eventually be achieved accompanied by ejaculation.
It's been suggested that some men have nerves which are much too sensitive. But this explanation of premature ejaculation has pretty much been disproved. Presumably, insensitive nerves cannot account for all the cases of retarded or delayed ejaculation which occur in the normal male population, either.
A number of infections of the urethra and prostate cause premature and too rapid ejaculation. Neglected gonorrhea infection and N.S.U. (non-specific urethritis) come into this category. But less serious inflammations of the urethra and prostate are also common physical causes. Inflammation of the prostate arising from a virus infection or from a long period of abstinence from all sexual activity, can cause premature ejaculation. Prostatitis from virus infection can occur at almost any age from infancy to old-age.
In addition to premature ejaculation, the other symptoms of prostatitis include mild or sharp, steady or intermittent pain anywhere in the lower part of the abdomen in or near the pubic area; in the groins, scrotum and small of the back; around the base of the penis; or in the region of the kidneys.
Very often, prostatitis will cause pain in the tip of the penis. Prostatitis, like urethritis, usually causes irritation of the urethra - the tube by which the bladder is emptied - and gives rise to a desire to urinate frequently. Prostate disorders, especially enlargement of the prostate, are usually the cause of premature ejaculation in men of 50 and over.
Relationships - especially between men and women, where women need dating tips and relationship advice - can be disrupted by such things, though there are plenty of gurus on the art of seduction who offer to teach us how to overcome overt problems in getting a girl - see, for example, the Tao of Badass by Joshua Pellicer.
Any man of any age, who has learned to control his progress to orgasm and suddenly finds he is ejaculating prematurely or too rapidly, should at once go to his doctor and ask to be referred to a consultant urologist, whether or not he has other symptoms of urethritis or prostatitis. In this age of antibiotics, both disorders can be quickly cured, and with the cure, control of ejaculation and orgasm returns to normal.
Psychologically caused premature and too rapid ejaculation is most common among young, sexually inexperienced men. When one first has the opportunity for making love, the lovemaking and sexual intercourse are especially exciting.
Lovemaking should, of course, be an exciting experience throughout one's life, and the more experienced one becomes in orgasmic and ejaculatory control, the more exciting it is.
But in the early days, because the man responds so rapidly to psychological stimuli, just the thought of sex is so arousing that control of the progress to orgasm and ejaculation cannot be maintained.
Some young men become anxious about whether they are going to be able to 'do sex right'. A man may be very conscious of the fact that he lacks experience in practical sexual techniques to arouse and satisfy his partner.
If he cannot satisfy his partner, he fears she will rate him as sexually inadequate and as this would be a fatal blow to his male sexual self-esteem, so his anxiety mounts to such a degree that he loses all control over his physical arousal, or any control over his ejaculation, spurting far too soon to satisfy either partner.
You can find out how to control premature ejaculation, develop the ultimate staying power and ultimate length here if you wish to last longer during sex before reaching orgasm.
If only young men could accept these reactions as normal, and if they do ejaculate too soon, laugh it off and assure themselves and their partners that 'it will be better next time' they could then bring their girl to orgasm by masturbation or fellatio and it will indeed be better next time. Though next time he still might ejaculate too quickly to satisfy his partner, there will be a definite improvement, especially if the partner knows premature ejaculation is a very common difficulty among young males and is sympathetic and encouraging.
Many young men who have the opportunity for regular sexual intercourse, preferably with the same partner, so that they develop their sexual techniques together, can quickly gain orgasmic and ejaculatory control. Unfortunately, some fail once and worry that it may happen the next time. This anxiety about sex actually makes them fail a second time and a third time. This sets up a vicious circle from which it is extremely difficult to extricate oneself.
This applies also to the older male, in his thirties and forties, who ejaculates too soon. We have all experienced coming too soon a number of times in our lives, but unless we can laugh it off, we can very easily make what is an occasional experience into a permanent one. Feelings of anxiety, of sexual inadequacy, fear of making the partner pregnant, feelings of guilt or shame or sin - or a combination of these psychological symptoms - are to be found in many cases of premature or too rapid ejaculation.
Can anything be done to rectify the condition? Definitely! In physically caused too-early ejaculation, first establish the seat of the physical cause. If the cause is a tight, unretractable or over-sensitive foreskin, or a too-stretched frenulum, circumcision or foreskin stretching will usually bring about a cure. This may seem pretty drastic action, but actually, circumcision is a fairly simple operation at any time of life.
All those premature and too rapid ejaculators who have sensations of irritation in the urethra, burning sensations when urinating, pains anywhere in the genital area, the groins, the region of the kidneys or the tip of the penis, should consult a doctor immediately.
There are many causes for premature ejaculation, not all of them as obvious as you might expect. You might even find that physical illnesses contribute to the problem because of the discomfort they cause. When you're in pain, there's not much incentive to linger over the pleasure of sex! For that reason, I have written a site on the subject of acid reflux and hiatal hernia, which affects around half of all people over 60. Click here for further details.
More often than not, these symptoms indicate urethritis and prostatitis, which can both be responsible for causing all the unpleasant and unwanted symptoms of either of these troublesome male sexual disorders. Curing the urethritis and prostatitis usually produces restored control over orgasm and ejaculation.
For those who have hypersensitive nerves in penis-tip and frenulum, a local anesthetic applied to the glans penis may help to serve as a PE cure and eliminate rapid ejaculation.
The most effective of these anesthetics is an aerosol spray. If the man is not circumcised, he should pull back the foreskin as far as it will go, and spray the glans penis-head once only. This must be done twenty minutes before lovemaking is begun. It is absolutely essential that the liquid should be allowed to dry on the penis-head, which takes two or three minutes. The spray slightly anaesthetizes the nerves in the glans and frenulum.
It does not interfere with erection, nor with the eventual achievement of orgasm and ejaculation, nor with the quality of the orgasm-sensations. All it does is to make the all-important nerves less sensitive, and, therefore, in need of longer stimulation. It takes twenty minutes for the spray to become fully effective; and the anesthetic effect lasts about forty minutes after the end of the preliminary twenty-minute period, which provides time for the leisurely sex which all lovemaking sessions should be.
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